Control

You want to control all aspects in your life, right? It’s impossible. I tried try to control my life, from career, to education, to emotions. It doesn’t work. Sad thing is, it never works for emotions, and I knew it all along, but kept pretending that it is working. When you are so alone, there’s no way to get rid of that feeling. It just creeps up on you out of the blue. Well, maybe not out of the blue. But it’s been suppressed for so long, and yet you finally let loose of your “grip” on your emotions, and it has the tendency to just burst out. Then you shut down. You feel that nobody in the whole world can understand you, and the one that you hope to or thought would understand you is never there or never do understand. You are just in this world by yourself, so you put up a shield. You decide to block everyone out and that way, it would ease the pain of losing everyone in the future. It’s a method that you hope would work. But then again, it’s you trying to control your emotions again. It doesn’t work that way. No matter how hard you try, how much you push yourself, it always turns back to haunt you.

Story of my life.

People might perceive me as weird, but they don’t understand the pain that I’m going through inside. True, I’m living much better off than most of the people in the world, but that doesn’t mean I don’t experience depression or sadness. Status doesn’t mean a thing when it comes to emotions. In the end, we are all human, we all have emotions, ups and downs, sadness and happiness. One shouldn’t judge based on status.

I’m in a such confused stage of mind, with so many contradictive emotions whirlwind through my mind, it’s tearing me apart. I just need time to get myself together, unwind and let loose. Let destiny take me rather than me taking control…